The blank screen gazes at me, as if awaiting my command. My fingers hover over the keyboard, ready to click on the keys I instruct them to as my mind tries to grasp a wayward thought and turn it into a blog post.
Sadly, no luck.
I look back at the blank screen and wonder how long before I will be able to type something…anything…that makes sense.
Ah, yes, finally, here’s one thought that popped into my head just now. I won’t let it go.
So last night, as hubby and I sat in bed, talking about life, we remembered my mother-in-law and began discussing her. How terrible it would have been had she been around these past 2 – 3 years, when the life we painstakingly built over the past 20 years got destroyed. How her condition would have worsened if she would have had to experience this past pandemic year. After about fifteen minutes of our discussion, we agreed that she was happy up there instead of down here, so thank you, God!
A while later, when I was deep into slumberland, she visited me in my dreams. As I knew she would.
I was always scared of her. She being my MIL, I felt intimidated by her. On top of that, her illness made her do and say stuff that made me nervous. My fear of her didn’t let me live in peace for almost seventeen years and I was forever jumpy around her.
It’s been more than five years since she passed away, but she often visits me in my dreams. I just have to look at her photograph, or talk about her, and there, she is in my dreams. And, there, too, I live in fear for she is around. Something or the other goes wrong and I am at my wits’ end trying to sort things out. I am such a mess even in my dreams!
So last night, I saw her amidst us, suffering from the dreaded Covid. Her doctor refused to come, take a look at her despite my pleading. It was all very disturbing and maybe that’s why, I found myself awake every now and then.
I woke up tired this morning and have been since feeling so sleepy, I could fall asleep in a second if someone gave me the permission to do so. But there are chores that demand my attention, and this post that needs to be completed.
So, I ponder this state of mind and wonder how a person—alive or dead—can have such an effect on us that we forget about ourselves and give them space in every cell of our being even when we are so disturbed by their presence.
I don’t mean to offend her, but it’s a fact that I was frightened of her and her illness. Especially her illness. That was the culprit. Maybe if it hadn’t been there to ruin her life, she and I would have shared a warm relationship.
Sounds so perfect, no?
But, life isn’t as perfect as we wish it to be, and so we must learn to live with our fears—of life, things and people. Learn to live with the ghosts that haunt us and the fears that take the joy out of our life. Maybe we have something to learn from it all. Yes, maybe I was supposed to learn from it all—that’s what I tell myself, that’s how I comfort myself.
Or, maybe it’s something to do with our past lives, where I might have troubled her with my presence.
Is that an over-imaginative mind at work? I wonder.